GROWLR is not the best place to meet a guy, but for an old guy like me who is not really out to the world, it's an option. He looked pretty nice from his pic. As most do, his profile said he was looking for friends, but I have learned not to believe everything you read on the internet. At 5-11 and 205, he was not exactly a svelte twink, but his profile said he was into fitness so maybe most of that 205 was muscle.
A brief message led to more messages, and a pic exchange as I explained my situation, and learned his. He is OUT,
50ish, and looking for friends.
"I'm up for meeting for a coffee or a drink if you are interested."
He replied, "It will have to be a coffee, but I am good for it if you want to."
As we approached the meeting day/time, I reviewed his profile to make sure I knew what he said in it, and what we had discussed. It was a chillier than usual winter day in Richmond, so my hope for a chance to sit outside somewhere over a latte' and talk privately was shot. I am probably more cautious than most when it comes to my privacy, but not being out, I always worry about appearances, and things were not working out well for me. I hoped for a somewhat crowded meeting place so we could get lost in the crowd, and not be exposed to the scrutiny of everyone seeing two guys obviously meeting for the first time, and drawing conclusions that I didn't want them to make. There were two baristas working, and only one table of two customers in the whole place.
To make matters worse, I was early and he was going to be late, so I ended up walking around the block a few times, freezing my ass off because I had not worn the right coat. I could go on in the place, but by the time he got here, I would have finished my coffee. Then a text from him told me he was on his way...just a few minutes away, and I decided to just wait for him outside.
He was a bit shorter than I expected. I'm not a tall guy, but a bit over 6 feet. He said he was 5-11 and...well...ok, maybe. It was definitely him from the pic. I approached him before we got in the shop, shook hands like any two business guys would do, and went on inside. He went to the rest room and left me to order my drink which was prepared in short order...only customer with two baristas=great service. My drink was ready and he was not yet out, so I chose a table close to the door, but away from the other table and the prep area...so we could at least talk without fear of being easily overheard.
After he got his drink, the conversation proceeded normally...Yes, he was really most interested in making friends first. He started telling me his story, a riveting tale of his life, background, job, and then, he told me of his drug addiction, his legal issues, and finally, his HIV status as a result of the drug issues.
I sometimes refer to myself as a country boy from a small town...implying that I'm just a dumb cluck sometimes learning about life the hard way. Much of that is true, except I never really lived in the country....just a small bumfuck town. Still, I had not actually been close to a guy who I knew was HIV+, and had a lot to think about as we finished our drinks and departed.
It really didn't take long for me to decide. I knew that regardless of whether we ever had sex, he needed friends, and I could always do that. Later that night, I sent a note..."Thanks for the company, if you are up for lunch, let me know."
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
There is no theme to this post, just some unrelated thoughts.
It is almost 2013. In all my thoughts and recollections of growing up, I never ever thought that I would be saying that. Even 2001 was far too far away to even consider as a possibility, and here we are a good decade past that one. It's time for introspection.
I am nothing close to an expert on many things at all....in fact, the 'jack of all trades, master of none' describes me all too well. Still, as I listen to the Sunday morning news shows, I realize that my personal beliefs do not coincide with either of the popular political parties. Right or wrong, my personal beliefs are what they are, and they are clearly not aligned with our current president, our former president, nor most, if not all, of the Congress.
I say this as I am listening to our 'leader' avoid any real issues, take any real positions, and predictably do the politically correct thing. He consisting refuses to lead, instead taking the popular position. One of the most significant rules of logic (or illogic) is that the majority opinion is not necessarily a correct one...an illogical argument. Our elected officials (I refuse to call them leaders) apparently never had a course in Logic.
I have rarely had the opportunity or the need for public assistance. Because of this fact, I typically declined to take a firm stance on the need for those programs. However, I am there now. And without a congressional deal to avoid the 'fiscal cliff', I will lose some 'entitlements' [I hate that fucking term...it implies something that is owed]. I can now say, "Keep your fucking entitlements, stop the social programs, just leave private industry alone to create jobs so I can get back to work."
We all have a tendency to seek, and support a single, simple solution to any problems. Whether it is human rights, fiscal policy, public violence [aka, the sad events in CT], or a myriad of other problems, everyone is seeking that golden solution. Get real, people. There is no golden egg, no magic elixir, no easy solution. It takes work, hard work, and dedication to being a real human...a caring individual who gets together with other caring individuals to become caring groups to make things happen. I don't understand why we need assault weapons, but, alas, it is true that anyone who really wants to kill a bunch of people will find a way to do it. Still, we have to treat the causes, not the symptoms.
ENOUGH RANTING
On the fun front, it has been a dry few weeks, but one that was needed to put my life in perspective. As I look back on the last year [or so], I have to thank a lot of guys who have become great friends. Some I have met personally, and some I haven't. But each of them has had an impact on my thoughts, my actions and my life. A couple of them do read this blog, but most don't, or don't realize that I am talking about them. I have kept this blog from my personal friends because there are things here that I cannot tell even them. In fact, many of them have been discussed here. Beyond all else, I am still a very private person with this blog serving to be a way to lay out my thoughts. A special thanks to Sean from Just a Jeep Guy http://justajeepguydc.blogspot.com for his thoughts as well.
I know now that I am looking for real friends first, despite what everyone says, there are good guys on the social apps....it's just really hard to find out which ones they are.
It is almost 2013. In all my thoughts and recollections of growing up, I never ever thought that I would be saying that. Even 2001 was far too far away to even consider as a possibility, and here we are a good decade past that one. It's time for introspection.
I am nothing close to an expert on many things at all....in fact, the 'jack of all trades, master of none' describes me all too well. Still, as I listen to the Sunday morning news shows, I realize that my personal beliefs do not coincide with either of the popular political parties. Right or wrong, my personal beliefs are what they are, and they are clearly not aligned with our current president, our former president, nor most, if not all, of the Congress.
I say this as I am listening to our 'leader' avoid any real issues, take any real positions, and predictably do the politically correct thing. He consisting refuses to lead, instead taking the popular position. One of the most significant rules of logic (or illogic) is that the majority opinion is not necessarily a correct one...an illogical argument. Our elected officials (I refuse to call them leaders) apparently never had a course in Logic.
I have rarely had the opportunity or the need for public assistance. Because of this fact, I typically declined to take a firm stance on the need for those programs. However, I am there now. And without a congressional deal to avoid the 'fiscal cliff', I will lose some 'entitlements' [I hate that fucking term...it implies something that is owed]. I can now say, "Keep your fucking entitlements, stop the social programs, just leave private industry alone to create jobs so I can get back to work."
We all have a tendency to seek, and support a single, simple solution to any problems. Whether it is human rights, fiscal policy, public violence [aka, the sad events in CT], or a myriad of other problems, everyone is seeking that golden solution. Get real, people. There is no golden egg, no magic elixir, no easy solution. It takes work, hard work, and dedication to being a real human...a caring individual who gets together with other caring individuals to become caring groups to make things happen. I don't understand why we need assault weapons, but, alas, it is true that anyone who really wants to kill a bunch of people will find a way to do it. Still, we have to treat the causes, not the symptoms.
ENOUGH RANTING
On the fun front, it has been a dry few weeks, but one that was needed to put my life in perspective. As I look back on the last year [or so], I have to thank a lot of guys who have become great friends. Some I have met personally, and some I haven't. But each of them has had an impact on my thoughts, my actions and my life. A couple of them do read this blog, but most don't, or don't realize that I am talking about them. I have kept this blog from my personal friends because there are things here that I cannot tell even them. In fact, many of them have been discussed here. Beyond all else, I am still a very private person with this blog serving to be a way to lay out my thoughts. A special thanks to Sean from Just a Jeep Guy http://justajeepguydc.blogspot.com for his thoughts as well.
I know now that I am looking for real friends first, despite what everyone says, there are good guys on the social apps....it's just really hard to find out which ones they are.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
TMI Thursdays
'TIS THE SEASON - WINTER VACATION
1. What is your favorite winter clothing item or outfit?
2. Do you have plans for a winter vacation? When and where?
Ψ Not this year...just wish.
3. Do you have a climate preference
Ψ I do really like the different seasons, so I am fine with some snow. Don't really care for the bitter few weeks of sub zero weather, but you take the bad with the good.
4. What do you like to do on your winter vacations?
Ψ Ski and then drink and cuddle, and fuck around the fireplace.
5. Do you unpack your suitcase or live out of it? Are there any items you never unpack?
Ψ It totally depends on the length of the vacation. For just a day or two, probably just live out of the suitcase, but for longer, I unpack.
6. Essentials for an extra "fun" weekend? Would you take them through airport security?
Ψ Damn...never thought of that. Hmmmmm. It would be a challenge to get some of that stuff in, but if all else fails, then we just do it the old fashioned way...skin on skin.
BONUS
Last, Best, Worst or most fun vacation sex. Details. Details, Details.
Ψ This would be the time to have the great story, eh? Truth is, the wildest times was with a group of ski clubbers in Park City, UT. I have more fun stories to tell about winter, naked hot tub parties closer to home. Somehow, that party was winding down in a snow storm with only four guys there, and they all claimed to be straight. After two of them passed out, I ended up in bed naked with the other one, and he kept claiming that he wasn't gay...he was just cold. Yeah, OK, guy. Whatever you say!!!
Optional question--who would you like to vacation with...an extended period of time...anyplace you want...anyone...living, dead or even fictional...and what would you do?
Ψ It's my question, so I can answer it anyway I want, right? So, I'm going to pick my family with some stipulations: I want my dad for a day...we would go to a secluded beach and spend all day talking, eating, and just being together. I would ask him all the things that I have wanted to ask for the last 20 years since he died.
I want each of my kids for a day each, alone...just one at a time. We would go to different places...one to hike, camp, and cook in the mountains; one to NYC and spend the day exploring as many great things there that we can in a day; one to Europe--Paris, Berlin, or London to explore; and one at the beach. And as I think about this, I want the grandfather that they didn't know to be with us.
1. What is your favorite winter clothing item or outfit?
Ψ Definitely got to be ski apparel.
2. Do you have plans for a winter vacation? When and where?
Ψ Not this year...just wish.
3. Do you have a climate preference
Ψ I do really like the different seasons, so I am fine with some snow. Don't really care for the bitter few weeks of sub zero weather, but you take the bad with the good.
4. What do you like to do on your winter vacations?
Ψ Ski and then drink and cuddle, and fuck around the fireplace.
5. Do you unpack your suitcase or live out of it? Are there any items you never unpack?
Ψ It totally depends on the length of the vacation. For just a day or two, probably just live out of the suitcase, but for longer, I unpack.
6. Essentials for an extra "fun" weekend? Would you take them through airport security?
Ψ Damn...never thought of that. Hmmmmm. It would be a challenge to get some of that stuff in, but if all else fails, then we just do it the old fashioned way...skin on skin.
BONUS
Last, Best, Worst or most fun vacation sex. Details. Details, Details.
Ψ This would be the time to have the great story, eh? Truth is, the wildest times was with a group of ski clubbers in Park City, UT. I have more fun stories to tell about winter, naked hot tub parties closer to home. Somehow, that party was winding down in a snow storm with only four guys there, and they all claimed to be straight. After two of them passed out, I ended up in bed naked with the other one, and he kept claiming that he wasn't gay...he was just cold. Yeah, OK, guy. Whatever you say!!!
Optional question--who would you like to vacation with...an extended period of time...anyplace you want...anyone...living, dead or even fictional...and what would you do?
Ψ It's my question, so I can answer it anyway I want, right? So, I'm going to pick my family with some stipulations: I want my dad for a day...we would go to a secluded beach and spend all day talking, eating, and just being together. I would ask him all the things that I have wanted to ask for the last 20 years since he died.
I want each of my kids for a day each, alone...just one at a time. We would go to different places...one to hike, camp, and cook in the mountains; one to NYC and spend the day exploring as many great things there that we can in a day; one to Europe--Paris, Berlin, or London to explore; and one at the beach. And as I think about this, I want the grandfather that they didn't know to be with us.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
TMI Question Not Asked
The question that should have been asked!!!
What do you miss the most about Christmas's of the past?
-Being with my mother, father, grandmother, brothers and sister on Christmas day. Getting up and finding Santa had been at my house. Sharing our precious gifts...those we picked out so carefully for the ones we loved, and watching their faces when they opened them. Feeling all warm and moist-eyed knowing that there was nothing but love in the house.
What do you miss the most about Christmas's of the past?
-Being with my mother, father, grandmother, brothers and sister on Christmas day. Getting up and finding Santa had been at my house. Sharing our precious gifts...those we picked out so carefully for the ones we loved, and watching their faces when they opened them. Feeling all warm and moist-eyed knowing that there was nothing but love in the house.
TMI Thursdays
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any? Originally a devout, strict protestant but not anymore.
2. What is your opinion of seasonal greetings and salutations? It's just being courteous. Just like 'Good Morning', it is expected and nice to say, but meaningless.
3. Holiday music on the radio? Sure...I can turn that off.
4. What is your policy for exchanging gifts? Damn...a personal 'policy' for gifts? No...I think that a gift should be given when it is truly meant. And don't ever give me a gift card. It's like charity, and I am not a fan.
5. Gift cards/family update letters are... See above for gift cards...family update letters are fine. Doesn't torque me one way or the other. I have one friend who makes the holiday letter entertaining, and I look forward to it. It's more of a 'you won't believe how I fucked up last year' kind of thing. As for the ones that list all of the great things that the kids have done, or how they are gonna be the next prez...I won't do it, and I can just throw it away after a few minutes. Let them brag...doesn't hurt.
6. Christmas cards are... a thing of the past. When it became essential to give, then it became worthless. I send them to people that I love and want to love me...only. And it's a personal card, not one written by Hallmark and gilded by the local printer.
7. Snow is... for skiing. Love it. But, I love nature, so it is to be expected. Even storms...reminds us of how miniscule we really are.
8. Have you been a good little boy or girl? Yes. I am always good.
9. RAPID FIRE FAVORITES:
1. Food - anything, unfortunately.
2. Dessert - cheesecake, but only NY style, and homemade.
3. Song - something romantic...lots of them. But for Christmas songs, I do love the Hallelujah chorus singing Handel's Messiah.
4. Movie - The Santa Clause
5. Tradition - Helping others at Christmas...volunteer.
BONUS
Christmas sex: What have you done under the mistletoe? Have you caught daddy kissing Santa Clause? Have you done it a santa suit? Did you come down the chimney? Just how merry have you made Santa's helpers? I'm not gonna get the bonus...nothing in my past regarding Christmas sex, but I have done my damnedest to make my special person to have a first climax of the new year as soon as possible after the new year...as the ball drops if I can arrange it.
1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any? Originally a devout, strict protestant but not anymore.
2. What is your opinion of seasonal greetings and salutations? It's just being courteous. Just like 'Good Morning', it is expected and nice to say, but meaningless.
3. Holiday music on the radio? Sure...I can turn that off.
4. What is your policy for exchanging gifts? Damn...a personal 'policy' for gifts? No...I think that a gift should be given when it is truly meant. And don't ever give me a gift card. It's like charity, and I am not a fan.
5. Gift cards/family update letters are... See above for gift cards...family update letters are fine. Doesn't torque me one way or the other. I have one friend who makes the holiday letter entertaining, and I look forward to it. It's more of a 'you won't believe how I fucked up last year' kind of thing. As for the ones that list all of the great things that the kids have done, or how they are gonna be the next prez...I won't do it, and I can just throw it away after a few minutes. Let them brag...doesn't hurt.
6. Christmas cards are... a thing of the past. When it became essential to give, then it became worthless. I send them to people that I love and want to love me...only. And it's a personal card, not one written by Hallmark and gilded by the local printer.
7. Snow is... for skiing. Love it. But, I love nature, so it is to be expected. Even storms...reminds us of how miniscule we really are.
8. Have you been a good little boy or girl? Yes. I am always good.
9. RAPID FIRE FAVORITES:
1. Food - anything, unfortunately.
2. Dessert - cheesecake, but only NY style, and homemade.
3. Song - something romantic...lots of them. But for Christmas songs, I do love the Hallelujah chorus singing Handel's Messiah.
4. Movie - The Santa Clause
5. Tradition - Helping others at Christmas...volunteer.
BONUS
Christmas sex: What have you done under the mistletoe? Have you caught daddy kissing Santa Clause? Have you done it a santa suit? Did you come down the chimney? Just how merry have you made Santa's helpers? I'm not gonna get the bonus...nothing in my past regarding Christmas sex, but I have done my damnedest to make my special person to have a first climax of the new year as soon as possible after the new year...as the ball drops if I can arrange it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Confessions?
Reflections
The last several months have been revealing for me personally. I have grown tremendously, and I don't mean literally [in fact, I lost weight that I was very happy to get rid of]. I have, however, looked at myself differently than ever before, and with what I think is a clearer view of myself, who and what I am. I had been living in a 'make-believe' world that was full of unrealistic expectations of myself and many of those around me. I was very egocentric, unable to realistically understand my place in the world around me, expecting others to think more of me than they do or should. I also had what I now think is an unrealistic expectation that others are inherently good, that people mean to be good even if they don't end up there.
All of these things made me trust others, often without any realistic justification. I have certainly learned that I have been very wrong at times. On the other hand, I also know there are some very good people in this world. I am more careful not to jump to either conclusion too rapidly.
I also know that government [the law] is not always logical, nor is it always right. A certain degree of unscrupulousness is needed to keep from getting steamrolled in this world. I am not at all happy about reaching this conclusion, but it has been proven numerous times over the last 2 years.
However, I do know better what I want although not entirely sure how to get there.
WHAT DO I WANT?
My interactions over the last few years have proven to me that I want-- I need --someone to love, to care for, to fawn over. I also need that same someone to treat me the same way. True love is achieved only when both feel they are getting more than they are giving.
I have a very close female friend who I tell almost everything to. She doesn't know about this blog, or the escapades that I have enjoyed with men. She cares very much for me, and I for her. We have sex when we are together, but I don't do it for the sex, I do it for her, because she enjoys it.
I have several male friends, but none that cross over between the straight group and the gay group. There is one gay man who has become very close...strictly platonic. He would be the closest thing to a 'best bud' that I have. He knows what I like, who I like, all about my gay escapades and my straight ones. He has met two of my kids although neither is aware of how much he and I talk. He also tells me about his desires, his 'partner' issues, and at least some of his shortcomings. When he recently left town for a couple of months of work out of the area, I truly felt alone. And, his partner knows all about me...no secrets...but then we are platonic friends, so there is really nothing to reveal.
I spent months exploring every guy who would let me, only to finally realize that it was not satisfying me longer than the hour or so we were together.
In the last few months I have met a few guys who I looked at as LTR material. I really fell for one, only to realize too late that he didn't feel the same way. It's not the first time I made that mistake, and probably won't be the last, but it does seem to get a little easier to deal with each time.
But, I continue to search, just not with the fever and fervor that I had before... as one of my former best friends caution me...slow down, you run like a gazelle.
Until next time on the couch ...
The last several months have been revealing for me personally. I have grown tremendously, and I don't mean literally [in fact, I lost weight that I was very happy to get rid of]. I have, however, looked at myself differently than ever before, and with what I think is a clearer view of myself, who and what I am. I had been living in a 'make-believe' world that was full of unrealistic expectations of myself and many of those around me. I was very egocentric, unable to realistically understand my place in the world around me, expecting others to think more of me than they do or should. I also had what I now think is an unrealistic expectation that others are inherently good, that people mean to be good even if they don't end up there.
All of these things made me trust others, often without any realistic justification. I have certainly learned that I have been very wrong at times. On the other hand, I also know there are some very good people in this world. I am more careful not to jump to either conclusion too rapidly.
I also know that government [the law] is not always logical, nor is it always right. A certain degree of unscrupulousness is needed to keep from getting steamrolled in this world. I am not at all happy about reaching this conclusion, but it has been proven numerous times over the last 2 years.
However, I do know better what I want although not entirely sure how to get there.
WHAT DO I WANT?
My interactions over the last few years have proven to me that I want-- I need --someone to love, to care for, to fawn over. I also need that same someone to treat me the same way. True love is achieved only when both feel they are getting more than they are giving.
I have a very close female friend who I tell almost everything to. She doesn't know about this blog, or the escapades that I have enjoyed with men. She cares very much for me, and I for her. We have sex when we are together, but I don't do it for the sex, I do it for her, because she enjoys it.
I have several male friends, but none that cross over between the straight group and the gay group. There is one gay man who has become very close...strictly platonic. He would be the closest thing to a 'best bud' that I have. He knows what I like, who I like, all about my gay escapades and my straight ones. He has met two of my kids although neither is aware of how much he and I talk. He also tells me about his desires, his 'partner' issues, and at least some of his shortcomings. When he recently left town for a couple of months of work out of the area, I truly felt alone. And, his partner knows all about me...no secrets...but then we are platonic friends, so there is really nothing to reveal.
I spent months exploring every guy who would let me, only to finally realize that it was not satisfying me longer than the hour or so we were together.
In the last few months I have met a few guys who I looked at as LTR material. I really fell for one, only to realize too late that he didn't feel the same way. It's not the first time I made that mistake, and probably won't be the last, but it does seem to get a little easier to deal with each time.
But, I continue to search, just not with the fever and fervor that I had before... as one of my former best friends caution me...slow down, you run like a gazelle.
Until next time on the couch ...
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