The last several months have been revealing for me personally. I have grown tremendously, and I don't mean literally [in fact, I lost weight that I was very happy to get rid of]. I have, however, looked at myself differently than ever before, and with what I think is a clearer view of myself, who and what I am. I had been living in a 'make-believe' world that was full of unrealistic expectations of myself and many of those around me. I was very egocentric, unable to realistically understand my place in the world around me, expecting others to think more of me than they do or should. I also had what I now think is an unrealistic expectation that others are inherently good, that people mean to be good even if they don't end up there.
All of these things made me trust others, often without any realistic justification. I have certainly learned that I have been very wrong at times. On the other hand, I also know there are some very good people in this world. I am more careful not to jump to either conclusion too rapidly.
I also know that government [the law] is not always logical, nor is it always right. A certain degree of unscrupulousness is needed to keep from getting steamrolled in this world. I am not at all happy about reaching this conclusion, but it has been proven numerous times over the last 2 years.
However, I do know better what I want although not entirely sure how to get there.
WHAT DO I WANT?
My interactions over the last few years have proven to me that I want-- I need --someone to love, to care for, to fawn over. I also need that same someone to treat me the same way. True love is achieved only when both feel they are getting more than they are giving.
I have a very close female friend who I tell almost everything to. She doesn't know about this blog, or the escapades that I have enjoyed with men. She cares very much for me, and I for her. We have sex when we are together, but I don't do it for the sex, I do it for her, because she enjoys it.
I have several male friends, but none that cross over between the straight group and the gay group. There is one gay man who has become very close...strictly platonic. He would be the closest thing to a 'best bud' that I have. He knows what I like, who I like, all about my gay escapades and my straight ones. He has met two of my kids although neither is aware of how much he and I talk. He also tells me about his desires, his 'partner' issues, and at least some of his shortcomings. When he recently left town for a couple of months of work out of the area, I truly felt alone. And, his partner knows all about me...no secrets...but then we are platonic friends, so there is really nothing to reveal.
I spent months exploring every guy who would let me, only to finally realize that it was not satisfying me longer than the hour or so we were together.
In the last few months I have met a few guys who I looked at as LTR material. I really fell for one, only to realize too late that he didn't feel the same way. It's not the first time I made that mistake, and probably won't be the last, but it does seem to get a little easier to deal with each time.
But, I continue to search, just not with the fever and fervor that I had before... as one of my former best friends caution me...slow down, you run like a gazelle.
Until next time on the couch ...