Grow Up

For the record, I have never told this story to any of my friends....to anyone actually.  You are the first.

When I was a kid [probably around 11], I can vividly remember when a 17-18 year old guy [a high school senior] came to our city park, hired by the city, to 'supervise' the kids for the summer.  You know, just keep everyone safe from hurting everyone else, bring the checkers and the balls, and generally just be a good guy.  He was SOoooo hot.  Even then, I realized how really great looking this guy was.  That was back in the days when weejuns and tight fitting, pegged, dark blue jeans were in.  That's what he wore the first time I saw him.  I don't remember what kind of car he drove, only that it was cool [although I didn't use that term then].  He wore the weejuns without socks, of course...that was what the really cool guys did then.  Even then, I wanted him to take those shoes off, to let me see his bare feet, but, of course, it never happened.

I still remember his name...but won't repeat it here.  And, although he was only about 6 years older, to me at that time, he was a real man--grown up--and super hot.  Unfortunately, he was only there for a few weeks, and then we got a slightly plump [she was fat] gal a few years older than him.  She was super nice, but nothing to look at.  I still liked her though.

As fate would have it [this was a fairly small city in Ohio], my path crossed the hot guys path a few years later although he and I never personally met again.  I was in college by then, and met a gal there who was a few years older than me, and, it turned out, used to be married to him.  I think he knocked her up, and had to get married, but then they divorced for possession of the wedding cake.  I ended up being pretty good friends with her although she was a couple of years older than me.  And, of course, I met her son briefly...my dream guy's son too.  'Older-hot-guy" didn't seem so much older than me by then.

By the time I was 30, I had played around with quite a few guys.  I always liked them younger [legal, but younger], even then.  A 22 year old when I was 30 didn't seem like he was really that young to me.  But, I am pretty sure he thought I was an old man.  LOL...how things change.

The next couple of decades, as I was approaching my 50s, the years seemed to fly by very quickly.  There were kids and other family things keeping me occupied, and I really never played around then.  But, still, there were a few guys that I did look at, and I looked at them quite a bit.  Always younger.  One in particular was especially hot.  Although I was faithful to my marriage vows, if I thought he would have agreed, I probably would have broken those vows for him. Fortunately, I was sure he wouldn't and I couldn't potentially screw up a friendship for a fling that had little chance of actually happening.

Time hasn't slowed down for me as I would guess for you either.  Now I look at those 18 year olds, and realize they are far too young, even if they had the urge, to play with an old man like me.  If my maturity-level and growth is any indication, it will be another 5-10 years before they really understand life.  But, that is just me, and I suspect others hit that time in their life when they truly understand themselves and what they want, at very different times.  In fact, even at my age, I am not always sure what I really want.

So....here I am.  A 25 year old in a 50+ body.  A body that is showing the erosion of age.  It has been fairly well taken care of, mostly, but not as well as some others.  Fortunately, most of the bad things that I have done to it [or allowed to be done to it], have been in small doses, and it has been able to recover from most of those.  And, despite what I see when I look in the mirror, I still crave those 25 year olds.

I don't want to grow up...Anymore than I am.   Can't we just pause time for a while?  Let me get my bearings, get some things straightened out [no pun intended], and then, when all is right, get on with our lives?

Frustrating.