Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Taking a break.
Yep...decided to back off a little.  Not from the sex, just from writing about it.  

I seem to have a lot of personal issues...issues with self esteem and self confidence.  Is that typical?  Do others suffer with similar bouts of depression?  

I have met some really great guys through blogs.  Some I like a lot, some I liked too much, but none whom I have met except my good friend from shall remain anonymous.  He has truly been an inspiration to me.  We have a lot of similar issues, but are in a different place with the family situation.

I really, really want to be OUT.  But, I am really scared to do it.  As difficult as things are now, I could not stand to lose any of those precious few straight friends that I have.  And, as much as I feel close to the gay/bi guys I have met through the blog, GRINDR, Adam4Adam, and others, I have no reason to believe they will be there to rescue me from the depths of depression when it occurs.  

I recently met a guy on GRINDR who lives close to me.  He is out, partnered, but still on GRINDR.  I am not exactly sure why, but I usually don't question what others' morality is...I have enough problems figuring out my own.  And, when I say we met, I mean we MET...we did not suck, fuck, kiss, or even shake hands.  We met to go for a run together.  He may have once thought there could be more to it, but if he did, he decided differently after we met.  
Anyway, we have done a few 'friend' things together...again...all with clothes on, and things we would not ever be arrested for anywhere.  At one point during a 'few-hour-long' car trip, I told him my whole story...marriage, divorce, bi, gay or whatever, after which he vehemently insisted my ex is a real bitch and should be shot.  My whole point is, that I think we got a little closer, emotionally, than before.  

I have realized through all of this, that what I really need are friends...true friends.  It felt really good to tell him about me, my side of the story.  But, after we parted, I realized that I had imposed on him a bit...had laid all of my problems on his lap expecting [or hoping] he could help with them.  Not fair to him.  That was a lot more than he signed up for.

Maybe what I need is a best friend who I can reveal all secrets to.  I also realized that thru 25+ years of marriage, I devoted virtually all of my time to my family...wife and kids...and none to me, and I was not a best friend to anyone.  I let all of my relationships erode.  And that makes me very sad.  


1 comment:

  1. I think your adventures are typical of any man gay, straight or bi who is entering a new stage of his life. I think we too often classify out behaviors as gay and not as human. I think after a divorce, what ever the reasons, friends are lost and relationships redefined.

    No matter what you do, it will be hard, Finding friends will be much harder on hookup sights but not impossible. Finding friends later in life, after 30, is just harder period. You have to reshape your life and that will affect how you meet people and incorporate them into your life.

    I think focusing on making a best friend is hard, they are rare and take time. Focus on friends and the best part will come. I do strongly suggest you look into joining a men's support group - you'll be able to talk there and be open with out judgement or risk. Looking into activities that you like to do - tennis, hiking, biking, yoga, museums, stamps, jock straps...whatever. Even happy hour. Meeting people in the flesh is still better then on line.

    Remember, the vibe you put out is the one you get back. If you focus on friends stay focused on that and save the sex vide for when your cruising.