Taking a break.
Yep...decided to back off a little. Not from the sex, just from writing about it.
I seem to have a lot of personal issues...issues with self esteem and self confidence. Is that typical? Do others suffer with similar bouts of depression?
I have met some really great guys through blogs. Some I like a lot, some I liked too much, but none whom I have met except my good friend from Richmond...name shall remain anonymous. He has truly been an inspiration to me. We have a lot of similar issues, but are in a different place with the family situation.
I really, really want to be OUT. But, I am really scared to do it. As difficult as things are now, I could not stand to lose any of those precious few straight friends that I have. And, as much as I feel close to the gay/bi guys I have met through the blog, GRINDR, Adam4Adam, and others, I have no reason to believe they will be there to rescue me from the depths of depression when it occurs.
I recently met a guy on GRINDR who lives close to me. He is out, partnered, but still on GRINDR. I am not exactly sure why, but I usually don't question what others' morality is...I have enough problems figuring out my own. And, when I say we met, I mean we MET...we did not suck, fuck, kiss, or even shake hands. We met to go for a run together. He may have once thought there could be more to it, but if he did, he decided differently after we met.
Anyway, we have done a few 'friend' things together...again...all with clothes on, and things we would not ever be arrested for anywhere. At one point during a 'few-hour-long' car trip, I told him my whole story...marriage, divorce, bi, gay or whatever, after which he vehemently insisted my ex is a real bitch and should be shot. My whole point is, that I think we got a little closer, emotionally, than before.
I have realized through all of this, that what I really need are friends...true friends. It felt really good to tell him about me, my side of the story. But, after we parted, I realized that I had imposed on him a bit...had laid all of my problems on his lap expecting [or hoping] he could help with them. Not fair to him. That was a lot more than he signed up for.
Maybe what I need is a best friend who I can reveal all secrets to. I also realized that thru 25+ years of marriage, I devoted virtually all of my time to my family...wife and kids...and none to me, and I was not a best friend to anyone. I let all of my relationships erode. And that makes me very sad.