As much as I detest labels, I still find myself trying to put a label on me.

For the first time in over a year, I had a few days with a lady friend, a fuck buddy but a female one.  We really are good friends first, but it felt so nice to roll over in the middle of the night, and find a moist hole all lubed up naturally and ready for some sex.

But...I missed having a dick to play with that wasn't mine.  I missed the scruff to rub up against.  I missed a deep tongue kiss that lasted for minutes.  I like being just a little rough, and she wasn't in that mood and really never is.

Still, the blow job was really nice.  No, not nice, it was heavenly.  It was soft and stimulating.  It was hardening.  And I knew that she loved doing it.  She was worshiping my dick.

So, if I had my pick, would it be door HE or door SHE?  So unfair.  Can't I have both?

Sweet Sunday 3some

Today was a down day.  Not that I was down, just a day I planned to kind of take it easy.  After a raucous weekend that was spicier than I expected, I was OK to take it easy today.  I guess I forgot to mention that yesterday [Sunday actually], my regular Sunday bottom boi [who I had not seen in 2 weeks] was looking for me...he needed to be fucked, I guess.  And he wanted something special, so he asked me to get my other bud, and the three of us have some naked fun.  I had tried once a few weeks ago, but it fell through, so I was not optimistic that we would succeed...but we did.

After a few miscues, he found my other bud's house.  The first big decision was where in the house to play, since we were standing there in the rec room taking our clothes off, I think we had already made that decision.  It started a little slow...BB [bottom boi] was his usual outstanding self, great pecs, lats, and all of those other muscles that make him look good, were in great working order.  He immediately went down on me, having missed my dick for a few weeks.  My other bud then got undressed.

But it was strange for me.  I was not used to having another guy around when BB and I were playing, and it had an adverse effect on me.  I didn't keep it as hard as I usually do.  In fact, I barely fucked BB at all.  So, instead, he kept my dick in his mouth for a long time.  He has a great mouth and knows what makes a guy feel good.  It wasn't long before I was cumming, and he hungrily ate it all.

Meanwhile, my other bud was just getting started.  He finally got his monster dick in BB, and I had my fun watching the two of them and taking pictures and videos.  I do truly love to see my BB get fucked.  He is so vocal, like a cheering party all his own, telling the top how great it feels, how he loves being fucked, and keeps it going the whole time.  And, I must admit, that my bud fucked him longer and harder than I had recently, so I know that BB really liked it....on his back, on all fours, on his side, and riding my bud's dick.

So, today, the down day.  It's just after midnight, and I am a bit horny.  Maybe just watch some porn and JO.
Yeah!
Later ----

Nathan Gets What He REALLY Wanted

For a guy like me, it is such a great feeling when a dreary, rainy Saturday turns into a dreary, rainy Saturday with a true bottom.  The details aren't important, but at the last minute, Nathan and I met up, and had a really great time.

After a bit of pleasurable punishment, and a doctor/patient rectum inspection, multiple insertions later, and we both found our happy place.

Being the passionate guy I am, I found the kissing to be a highlight.  He is a great guy to kiss, and, we did.  

But, I have more planned.  I am SOOOO looking forward to getting with him again.  It will be a great time.

"I'm tied up right now, but ..."

That first meeting was a few months ago, in a local, corner tavern, seated next to the door-the only seats around.  Nathan just seemed to 'do it' for me.  Not an 'instant hard on', electricity-flying kind of attraction, but a nice, comfortable chemistry between us from the first time we met.  Our discussion was civil and somewhat hushed as we were both conscious of the crowd around us.  But an innocent question about travel and where he had been, obviously brought back some memories for him, pleasant memories, but of a former love he had lost.  He was very emotional thinking about that--no one could have noticed but me, he didn't make a scene, but I knew that the breakup -possibly a fresh one- was still difficult for him.

We left shortly after, with the typical promises of getting together for dinner [which I think really meant getting naked together].  I saw him online at Adam4Adam rarely after that, but would, from time to time, send a note to meet for dinner.  He was always gracious, agreeing, but we never seemed to be able to get schedules to meet.  Then, one day a week or so ago, I was at a point where I wanted to either meet, or write it off to someone who really wasn't interested, and I very kindly told him so.  A brief exchange seemed to imply that he did want to pursue something, to which I frustratingly responded that it was HIS schedule that was always the problem, so he would have to schedule it.

He said something like, "Maybe you need to turn me over your knee for being so difficult."  My eyes instantly lit up, and my package got a little bigger after that remark.  I had to see how far he wanted to take it.
"I may have to take my tie off and use it to tie around your wrists while I spank you", I wrote.

"Would it hurt", he responded.

"Only as much as you can stand", I said.

"Are you serious?  Would you enjoy doing that to me?," he asked.

I had found his 'hot button'.  "What else would you do to me?" he asked.

"I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and I have lots of ideas," I said.

It is going to be a fun, interesting summer, and maybe fall as well.

Sean's TMI Thursdays

Sean from http://justajeepguydc.blogspot.com/ has been doing TMI Thursday where he asks questions and asks his readers to answer them in comments, or here in their blog.  For this week....

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Tough one...I think I would pick the voice.  I always wanted to have a radio voice, one of those silver tongued orator types....I think I could like that. 

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him?
Agree with Sean on this one.  Either way, it's all over.  Doesn't matter.  But, I wouldn't do it, so ......

3. Have better sex or more money? 
Money really doesn't buy sex [OK...maybe it does].  But sex isn't really what I need, I need love.  So, logically, I have to choose the money, then I can buy the sex.  But either way, I am still needing the love.

4. Be able to read everyone's mind all the time or always know the future? 
Read everyone's mind.  I didn't even want to know the sex of my kids before they were born.  I love nice surprises.  I could not handle knowing someone was going to die in a tragic accident and not be able to prevent it.  

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?

I would not object to my partner having sex with someone else, unless it were done to intentionally harm me.  I sure hope any future partner will let me know he/she is no longer in love with me before telling the rest of the world.  I have played that game, and I can't handle it.  

Bonus

What one thing, big or small, would you change in your life if granted one wish by a lamp-bound genie? 
I would want to be OUT to the world at 18 or so.  It couldn't have been any harder than life is this way.

What a week/weekend.  I feel like I have had one meltdown after another.  And in the middle of it, entertained a few guys.
Thursday, my friend Flip insisted he get a room and we spend some time alone there.  I can't say no, it seems.  Then, when a 21 YO guy from the local university started hitting on me Wednesday night, I actually considered inviting him over after Flip left on Thursday.  OK, I more than considered it.  I did. With a lot of reservation, but I still did.  After all, he was a decent looking guy, looking for friendship.  But, as I pointed out to him, guys who want to be friends rarely send ass and dick pics to guys they just want to be friends with.
So, Flip and I played, and as he was getting ready to leave, my 21YO local student showed up...call him A.  We talked for 20 minutes, with most of the time spent with me answering his questions.  I finally said, "What do you want to do?", and he asked me the same thing.  I told him I wanted us to get naked on the bed and then let me fuck him.  He said he was very submissive.  That only means one thing to me...he was ready.
So, I stuck my dick in his mouth for him to get it nice and hard while I played with his ass.  Then I wrapped it up, lubed it and stuck it in him.  He pulled back after it was in like it was too painful.  I said, "you want it or not?" and he nodded, so I put it back in.  Within a few minutes, he was begging me to fuck him harder, so I did.

After he came, he showered and left, and I slept the night away.  In the morning, Flip shows up as agreed, and we prepare for our third guy...none other than T from a previous blog.  Remember him?  When T cancelled a meeting at the last minute because he was afraid of his feelings, I called it off with him, blocked him, and tried to forget him.  But, I can never hold a grudge well.  We started chatting again, and setup this meeting.  A rousing 3-way of kissing, sucking, and finally a little fucking.  I fucked T for the first time.  He really did like it...I was a bit surprised he took it so well since he has had little experience.

Then on Saturday, Flip was in town with his partner, and we ended up having dinner together.  I had never met him, and he doesn't know how good friends Flip and I are.  I don't plan to tell him.  But, a nice time was had by all...and Flip's partner even invited me to come visit them to party and spend the night [not a 3-way...in the spare room].

Now, I think I am as fucked up as ever.  But, things seem to be getting a little clearer.  Flip and I will continue to be friends, but I really can't do the nasty with him and feel good about it.  Got to clear that up with him.

The meeting with T was fun.  But, it was just fun.  I actually think he likes me a lot more than I do him.  I know there is no future with a married guy, so I have no expectations there...just a little fun from time to time.

I have created another problem with A.  He has had an ongoing dialogue with me since Saturday.  I think he wants me to invite him over, but I told him that I can't host with my kids around, so that won't happen, but I think he still wants me to fuck him.  That feels pretty good for the ego, to think that I can still make a 21 YO guy want me that bad.

But, I haven't connected with Kel much.  I am not sure he wants to be more than a dinner friend...sure wish he did.

My Dialogue From The Couch

I started this blog because I needed an outlet, someone or thing to tell my innermost thoughts and feelings, to be the couch of the psychologist.  I still desperately need that, but that is not what I have used it for.  The blog became an outlet to brag about sexual conquests, not intentionally, but because they are currently such a huge part of my life.  I have decided that I don't really like that part of my life so much.  I still need the sexual interactions, but they have begun to control me, to be the whole me, and not just a part of me.

What jarred me back to this reality were a couple of things that happened.  First, a man who I have felt very close to in the past has rejected me, and I think it is because he discovered this blog.  Not sure, but ....
Second, things haven't turned out well with some of the guys I have written about here.  Nothing is 'bad', but the relationships that I thought, hoped were there, have not been.
Third, I met a guy who was the subject of a recent post, Kel, who I have developed a very close attraction to.  I am not sure he feels the same way as I do, but time will tell.  I also realize that our 'relationship' [if we even have one] is very young.  There are a lot of things to discover about each other that could squash whatever is there.
Fourth, I have also met a number of gay guys who don't fit the mold that I have been trying to adjust to.  They don't jump in bed with everyone with a clean dick.  They don't live to be gay, they live to live, and just happen to be gay.  Being gay does not control them.

A Sexual History
I will admit that I really do get turned on by the sex.  In the past few years, I have been in situations  that I read about, but never really expected to experience personally.  It seems that the sex has a number of levels...like a drug addiction...that a guy progresses through until he finally gets to the point where it is more than the soul can handle.  I remember the first time I was sucked and the first time I sucked a dick.  Since then, there are have been far too many guys whose dicks I have experienced or who have sucked me to remember.

Then, when I was in my 20s, I remember the first time I fucked a guy...and the next several time fucking the same guy.  Needless to say, I enjoyed that experience immensely, and, although I really didn't understand why at the time, he did too.

I then rejected that whole life, and took time out to get married, have kids.  When my wife rejected my advances for sex, and beating off in the shower didn't seem to fulfill me, I turned to the internet and then, after divorce, to real, live guys to play with.

Since then, I have experienced ...
3-somes - a highly overrated act.  Titillating at first, but I quickly realized it was simply a way for one guy to take a break while the action continued.  Or am I the only one who can only really enjoy one stimulation at a time?
BDSM-  so many levels.  It means so very many things to different people.  My experience is simply where one guy is tied, gagged, blindfolded [any and/or all] and everyone else there takes turns fucking him or torturing him in some way.  I really didn't understand the joy that the sub got from that, and I am not sure I fully understand it now, but, after seeing the experience, I realize that the sub does really love it.  One of the two subs that I was with is a really nice looking guy in his mid 40s, with a big dick; the other, in his 60s, with an average dick. [both of these experiences are blog story worthy]

Bestiality -  I have never actually seen this, and I really don't want to.  But, I chatted with a guy who was extremely interested in knowing if I had any large animals at my house. I couldn't help but ask more.  He is a very attractive man, but knows way more about how much dogs cum than I really want to know.
Gay Sex Parties  Over my objection [not a very strenuous objection, to be honest] I attended a gay sex party with about a dozen guys participating.  It was very interesting, but I am not seeking them out to find more.
BOTTOMING This is really difficult for me to admit, but I did it.  I have known for several months that I really like having my hole played with.  Yeah, I finally did.  I will blog about it soon.

This picture is so sexy to me.  I imagine that is me with my man.

So the quest continues.  I need to spend more time on my relationships and less time on GRINDR and Adam4Adam.

Goodbye for now, I shall return.

Sean's TMI Thursday

Sean from http://justajeepguydc.blogspot.com/ has been doing TMI Thursday where he asks questions and asks his readers to answer them in comments, or here in their blog.  For this week....

1. Have you ever dropped trou to have sex and realized you made a mistake and bolted?  I can't think that I got quite that far as to drop trou, but I have definitely been in a situation where I felt uncomfortable and bolted.  Most recently, I was meeting a guy who wanted to fuck.  His stats were way off from reality, so I didn't feel at all bad about calling it off.  He ended up blocking me from A4A, and got a buddy of his to send me nasty notes, etc.  Didn't matter.

2. Have you ever used the wrong name while having sex or visa versa?  Embarrassingly, yes.  Fortunately, it was just a hook-up and I knew I wouldn't see him again.  Most embarrassing is when I simply can't remember the guys name...that has happened more than once.

He could call me anything he wants.

3. Who is the one crush you jerked off to the most?  I had a major crush on a blogger a few years back.  We had exchanged pics and talked dirty, IM'd, and done almost everything but meet.  He was the subject of many  JO sessions over the months.  He is still a major hottie, but I more realistically see him as a friend, and have found other hotties to entertain me.

4. Have you ever slept with a friends bf?  Oh shit.  I have, unfortunately done some of this.  I will occasionally find pleasure in women, and I have slept with my best college friends ex-wife a number of times.  She is the best female cocksucker I have ever found.  When I have sex with her, she is like Niagara Falls...never seen so much come out of a woman.  As for guys, the worst I have done is have sex with a guy, and then become friends with his BF or partner.  That makes me feel bad enough.

5. Have you ever enjoyed/suffered and injury while having sex?  Aside from a muscle strain from too much fucking, no.

Bonus

Have you named any of your body parts? What names does/have your partners called them?  Yep...Oscar finds his way into cavities of both men and women...named after Oscar Mayer, of course.  [I didn't name him, an ex did.]

Progress

Dinner Saturday just didn't work out...the dreaded call came mid afternoon.  But it wasn't all negative, just a postponement and a commitment for a 7 PM Sunday date.  I was actually a little happy because I had a touch of something most of the day Saturday and really didn't want to go anyway.  It would not have been ME at my best.  

Things did get a bit messy on Sunday...my older friend, B, messaged me late Saturday to join him for a Sunday afternoon romp, followed by dinner and an overnight stay.  Normally, I would have gone, but I really wanted to go out with Kel, so I compromised....at B's place at 3 and then meet Kel for dinner later that evening.

B was his normal active self...a bit older than me, but really horny.  We did a little flip flop fucking, new for me, and spent a lot of time kissing and hugging.  A quick shower at his place and I was out of there for dinner with Kel.

My first real date with him...Friday night was a real date, but I had a few drinks beforehand, and it was a short notice date....call at 5 and together by 6:30.  I felt like tonight was the first time we actually got to know each other.

Our first choice for dinner was closed for the day-I should have known that.  But, we ended up at a really nice, local pizza place downtown for a few drinks, dinner, and a lot of great conversation.  When I took him home, I wasn't sure if he was going to invite me in, but he was helping me find a place to park that was close, so I was happy about that.

I know you guys are waiting for the next move to be wild sex on the couch, in bed, or on the kitchen table, but it wasn't that way at all.  I did work in some necking, and real nice kissing.  He is a great kisser.  But it was mostly talk, about me, my kids, him, his ex-BF, job, and the usual weather crap.

And, of course, in the morning I woke up like this.

I'm In Love-Again

Last minute plans always seem to work out better for me.  Having an after work drink with my friend Flip, I noticed Kel was online early.  A few texts, and we were set.  In an hour, Flip was headed home to partner, and I was headed downtown for a beer with Kel.  I had only had two beers, so driving wasn't an issue, and it was early enough, I was GOING downtown, and the traffic was leaving.

First time meetings are always a bit scary for me.  It's best for all to have them under circumstances that allow either of you to exit gracefully...just in case things don't work out.  Last night I was parking near his building, and we were going to meet there and walk the three blocks to a local bar.  If he was a troll, I would be stuck...and he would too.

As first impressions go, it wasn't great but it wasn't regrettable.  The usual chit chat ensued for the first 15 minutes as we were a bit challenged walking in the 95 degree Richmond heat and humidity to get to that bar.  Actually, I was the one challenged as I struggled to keep up with him walking up hill in this weather with flip-flops on.  Was he just a fast walker or was he trying to stay as far away as he could? 


The bar was pretty packed, so we went to a game bar they have on the lower level, and found a couple of seats at the end of the bar.  I then realized that I really didn't remember much about Kel.  Where was he from, what did he like?  Top or bottom?  Did he tell me?  Sports fan?  What work does he do?  
Damn, why didn't I re-read our IMs before I got here!!  But, despite feeling a lot ignorant about what I really should already know, we seemed to get along.


For the next two hours, we talked about a lot of things--work, play, the Patriots (oh no, a Boston fan), the guy at the bar with the scruffy look.  As we talked, I started to feel a lot better about him...he is a genuine nice guy, with a sarcastic, sharp tongue at times, very punny, but likable.  


Time was not on my side last night, I had a commitment to my daughter and had to exit early.  But, I set it up so he knew I wasn't bailing; we had just spent a lot more time than I expected at the bar, and really didn't have any time to play.  So we walked back toward my car and his condo.  Oops, past his building..."I'm walking you to your car."  Oh, OK.


Before I get in the car, I look over to him in the middle of downtown Richmond, in the middle of a brightly lit sidewalk, and he has his arms spread for a hug.  I gave him that hug, and a big kiss too.  Damn it felt good.  -in the middle of downtown Richmond -on a brightly lit street -I kissed a guy -without any regrets.

Dinner tomorrow?  Yeah, call me.
And I sure hope to end up like these guys.

Is it time to tell the WHOLE truth?

This is not a happy post.  It is one that I am writing to "let off steam" and think, and the main reason I started this blog in the first place.
The brief story is that my ex no longer has enough money to live on because, frankly, she has not made wise decisions.  That should not be my fault, right?  But now, my daughter really needs a new phone and my ex won't sign up for it.  I offered my daughter that I will pay the extra for the new phone, but her mother needs to provide for what she has been paying to date [which was really all my money anyway].  So, the ex won't do that, insisting that she go on my plan, which means the ex expects me to pay it all.  [her way of avoiding expense].  The phone is minor, but a sign of things to come.

It will all come to a head soon, and it may also mean that I need to tell my kids more than they currently know about Dad [because ex is threatening it].  Do I tell them the truth?  Do I need to let them know that Dad was not getting any affection from Mom, but since he has always been faithful, he chose not to find another woman, but surf the net for some excitement?  And part of that surfing led him to straight and then bi, and gay sites.

To say that I am concerned about their reaction would be a gross understatement.

For the last two years, my middle son and I have grown very close [he lives with me] while the other kids [who live with mom] seem to always be fighting among themselves.  [note that all of them are of legal age except my daughter...just 14.]

I feel very good about what I have done for my family...what I have provided...they have never wanted for anything reasonable.  Like many other fathers, I felt I needed to provide more than my parents could, and I have.  They have all enjoyed a lot of things that we, growing up, never had.

Questions!!  Will they understand?  Will they kick their dad out of their lives?  or just lose respect?  Will they show up for Christmas?  Will they see how desperately their dad loves them and needs them?

Am I doing the right thing?  Should I do something different?

Should I just pay the damn phone bill and let this go until the next crisis?  I feel like this is just the beginning, that I will hear that threat from her every time she doesn't want to pay.

You know, sometimes life sucks.

Sean at http://justajeepguydc.blogspot.com has been doing a TMI Thursday where he publishes questions and invites readers to respond.  Loki at http://logis-log.blogspot.com has responded by publishing them in his blog, and I thought it might be fun to do the same.  Hope you like it.

BATHROOM EDITION

1. Toilet Paper - over or under?

Over...who would ever put it in backwards?

2. Who replaces the empty roll in your house? 

I do.  Maybe just a little OCD.

3. What do you use if you run out of toilet paper at home?

The McDonalds restroom down the street.  

4. Seat up or down?

down...hell it's easier to sit down than clean the bastard.  Unless there is a guy party, then it is up and the door is always open anyway.  

5. Do you leave the door open?

I'm courteous...if a lady is in the house, no.  If I am taking a shit and anyone is home, no, but usually it's open.

6. Does your love leave it open?

I don't know...he doesn't live here...yet.  

7. Do you always check for toilet paper first in a public stall?

If I think I might need it, I do.

8. What do you use if you run out of toilet paper in a public restroom?

Never happened...let's hope.

BONUS

Do you wait until you are alone in a public restroom?

Never.

Shhhhh

My secret is ... every time I read this website, I cry about something on it.
http://www.postsecret.com/

Normal...

Since I can remember, I wanted to believe that I was like every other guy.  I always only wanted to be 'normal' yet always knew that I wasn't.  Finally, finally, I am able to accept that and just move on.  I am sure that is not a big deal to any readers I have, but it is a big deal to me.  


Although I am not really OUT, I am comfortable with where I am.  I still enjoy being with a nice woman from time to time, but I really do like my guy time too.  As much as I want to say that my time with guys is different than my time with women, it really isn't so much.  Disregarding the sex, there is a 'dance' to determine who is going to lead, and who is going to follow.  Then we figure out the limits, or just keep pushing until we hit one.  We gotta decide who is going to 'get off' first and who might have to wait a little.  If the partners are really in sync, it could happen at the same time, but not often in my experience.  


But most importantly, with either a man or a woman, for me, it is all about making my partner feel good.  It takes quite a bit sometimes to figure that out.  Rarely do I find that what I am told my partner wants is actually what really gets them off.  But, I think I like guys better sometimes because, in my experience, it is less of a guessing game with them.  I have never had a guy fake an orgasm, for example, but I am sure it has happened sometime with a woman.  


I do have one lady partner who breaks most rules, but only one partner.  And she also gives the best blow job that any woman has given me, and better than some men.  I am going to see her in a couple of weeks, first time in several months, and I can't wait to experience her again.  To have her and one of my favorite guys in a 3 way is a fantasy of mine.  I guess I will have to beat off to that one later.  

This guy has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but he is so HOT, that I couldn't help putting him in the blog.
(borrowed from the internet.)

I think maybe he was just doing laundry and got caught by the photographer.

T and the beach

Several months back, I met T on Adam4Adam.  "Passionate oral...without passion it's just empty sex."  Being the passionate guy that I am, I had to chat with him.  At the time I was in a hotel near the beach, and he agreed to stop by.

Teacher, close to my age, grey hair, nice cock, normal size to smaller but nice.  I love sucking on smaller guys...I can get it all in my mouth, and they are SOOOO appreciative of a good BJ.  The problem?  Married.

I don't generally have a problem with a guy fucking around on his wife or his partner.  I can't and didn't do that myself, but I don't judge others.  Strictly between him and his SO.  Where I do get concerned is when it starts interfering with my lovemaking.  Really pisses me off when a guy 'can only stay for an hour'...I feel rushed and never perform well.  I am very much into passion, and passion cannot be scheduled, tied to a timer.

With T, our relationship started out slow [he isn't my 'ideal' physical specimen'] but before he left that first day, I was really falling for him.  We had a lot of things in common...probably went to the same trade shows at times, same industry [before he was a teacher], similar family situations...I just really felt close to him--on a personal level.  It is true that the brain is a sex organ.

My next trip to the beach was specifically to see him and he did not disappoint.  He showed up at my hotel as he said he would, and we had a great time.  Always before, we were strictly into oral, but it was that trip when we started talking about fucking.

The difficulty of the distance and his 'family' situation made hooking up very difficult.  We didn't let that stop us from communicating.  As soon as his wife was out of the house in the morning, and before he left for work, we would text or cam.  Those conversations were hot..with one or both of us cumming nearly every morning.  I could not wait to have him to myself for true man-on-man, uninterrupted fun.

I like to know about guys that I like.  Personal things really make me feel close.  T had told me a few things about his son and his wife that made if very easy to figure out his name [we never shared last names], where he lives, where his son lives, where he and his wife work...even how much he paid for his house and how long he had lived there.  It's really amazing that so much information is public these days.  I will never reveal any of that information to anyone, and don't really want to know for any reason than to feel closer to him.

We were setup for another meeting, and this one was going to be GREAT.  I knew we were going to make love, fuck, and he was going to love it.  The anticipation built up for me so much that it was all I could think about for days.  I had scheduled a Dr. appt that Wednesday morning of our meeting.  When I left that 8AM appt, I pinged him again, to make sure the arrangements were well known by us both.  His response was very disturbing.  An emergency surgical situation with his grandson would force us to cancel the meeting.  Disappointed?  Sure, but more alarmed for his family than anything else.

When I didn't hear from him throughout the week, I was even more bothered, assuming that things had  gone really bad, and he was tied up with family issues and couldn't get to me...understandably so. Then late on Sunday, he sent me a note saying he needed to cool it for a while, his wife had seen something on his iPhone and though he wasn't sure how much she saw, he was concerned and could not afford to be discovered.

A few weeks later, I happened to be near his house and took the opportunity to drive around his neighborhood.  I had hoped to see him out cutting grass or something, but he obviously wasn't home.  I am not sure what I would have done anyway if I had seen him.  I did enjoy driving through his neighborhood and experiencing what he might have experienced having lived there. 


As the days passed, I became very distressed.  Alarmingly, I was beginning to believe that some or all of what he had said was a manufactured lie.  I didn't know how much, or why...but my suspicions became more and more at the top of mind.

After a couple of weeks, I sent him a brief note...enough that he understood my need to communicate, but not enough that anyone else reading it would read anything sexual into it.  He finally responded.  Without saying it outright, he essentially confirmed my suspicions.  He said that he was afraid.  He felt things for me that he had never felt for a man before.  He was afraid to meet because of what it might do to him.

I was really pissed...mad as hell.  I had worried about his family, about his being discovered, and yet, the whole thing was about him being afraid he might actually love someone.  Since when is love a bad thing?  I mulled over it for a few days, and finally resolved to end it all with him.  That's when I sent him a note that simply said, "Good bye, T", blocked him, deleted his contact info, and tried to forget it had ever happened.

Last week, I saw his blocked account on A4A and unblocked him.  Never could hold a grudge.

A Busy Sunday

I was just checking to see if I had any messages, and, sure enough, Michael3 had sent me a note to hook up.  He loves older, hairy men.  I had never met with him, but had chatted a couple of times briefly.  I didn't really believe he was my type, but sometimes you can't tell from the picture.

After a quick shower and the 20 minute drive downtown, I was sitting on his couch talking about all kinds of things not related to sex.  Then we were talking about things related to sex, then we were having sex.  After orgasm, we talked about other things again.  

He is a very pleasant guy, but not really my type...too 'OUT'.  I have never really fallen for the obviously gay guys.  But, he has beautiful eyes, and nice large kissable lips...we did that a lot.  So, I kind of 'ruled the roost'...er, the bed.  And, of course, he told me how great a kisser I am...I am definitely getting a big head about that.  

I actually spent at least a couple of hours with him.  He is an interior decorator, and I had to show him pictures of my 'less than nicely decorated' rooms for his opinion.  I know...that's pretty bad, but I am desperate for any decorating help.  I missed all of those gay genes.

To the gym, home for shower number 2 of the day, and then off to Mike1 for my Sunday afternoon standard appointment.  It was especially good today with him...not sure why...maybe because we had missed each other for a couple of weeks with busy schedules...maybe because he just really turns me on.  I fucked him a lot longer than usual..and he was very appreciative.  I just love the way he talks to me, and how much he really loves being fucked.  He is one of the best.  

Today, I wanted him to ride me first...I was still sore from the gym, and he did indeed ride.  He has a great ass...nice and firm...white compared to the rest of him, and when my cock first goes in him, he really sings for me [getting hard again just thinking about it].  Then I fucked him on the bed on his belly, with me standing up beside the bed.  I really pounded him today.  My cock was as far in him as it could possibly go, and we both loved it.  

I could have put my dick away and left after that [hadn't cum yet], but he will have none of that.  He worked my dick and got the cum out of it for him.  He is a cum hound, and will do almost anything for my cum.  

Then home for shower number 3, and some family stuff.  I will sleep well tonight.

Jackson on GRINDr

His first note to me on GRINDR said, "What kind of guy are you looking for?"

"Bottom"

"Or one who just loves dick"

Then I looked at his stats...18 years old...distance not shown.  [Let's call him Jack.]

"Where are you?" he asked.

"Right here", I answered.  My tone was as sarcastic as I could make it on a text, but I think it came through.

"I don't know where right here is, it just says your 44 miles away."

"Turn on your gps", I said.

After I told him the city, he said he was moving up here at the end of summer to go to school.

I had found [without looking for him], a high school graduate moving away to college.  

I didn't need this at all.  I have enough trouble associating with 30 and 40 year olds sometimes, please don't send me any 18 year olds to deal with.  No way can I handle it.

But I will talk to anyone, and so we started chatting. 

"I will chat with you anytime, but we will never meet.  OK?"

He was fine with that...he was a HS grad who was pretty sure he is gay although he has fucked a girl or two.

I probably should have told him to get lost, but I can't do that.  I think back to when I was his age, and I know how great it would have been to find someone to talk to, to ask questions of, and get another perspective.  So, we started a friendship.

After a few weeks, we had learned a lot about each other.  Jackson is from a small town in rural Virginia,  is an accomplished musician, in the school vocal department as well as his own band.  He has never done anything with a guy...no kissing, groping, beating off...nothing.  But he thinks he is gay.  He has even decided he will probably share that he is 'bisexual' after a year of college, and then go from there.  But, for now, he is very afraid of being outed, but wants to explore guys. 

I told him of my reputation (?) as a great kisser, and he insisted that I show him, and teach him as well.  

"No, that would break my rule.  We won't meet, remember", I reminded him.  My mind was dreaming up excuses to meet him though.  I knew that I would break that rule someday, and it was going to be OK.  He would grow and learn to like guys closer to his age, and then I would just be a grandpa or a weird uncle, but never a lover.  Then, we could meet over a coffee, and either agree to be friends, or he would decide that I was just an old fart not worth it anymore.  In the meantime, I was someone he could talk to without outing himself, and get some answers. 

I was very insistent on safe sex.  I beat it into him, maybe too much.  More than once, he would scold me with "OK, Dad".  But, I didn't mind.  If I was helping, I was good with anything he wanted to say.  

We talked about lots of things.  In his chats, he shared that there was a 23 Y/O NC guy who he wants to meet up with...just to kiss...nothing serious.  I was highly suspicious of that and told him so.  

He got a piercing and was so proud that he had to send me a pic...the first full face pic of him that I had seen.  But he also shared other personal information that would identify him.  I had become a trusted friend.  I must admit that I was captivated by him and cared for him...not in a sexual way...but as a true friend would care for another.  

The biggest news was when he also shared the story of his first kiss...a local guy who he likes...he spent the night, they kissed, sucked dick, and slept together.  He also stuck his dick in the guy later that night..so he officially fucked a guy, I guess.  We had to have the condom discussion again.  

Just last week, I nearly fucked up the whole relationship.  I have become so close to the guy I called FLIP in a previous post, that I shared some of Jackson's story with him.  When Jackson found out, he felt betrayed, and I felt like a real ass.  He was upset about me breaking his confidence, and I was equally upset about losing his trust.  

And that episode is what triggered this post.  Just a few days ago, I had to prepare myself for never seeing Jack again [or even the first time].  But, I think he understands how close I am to FLIP, and why I shared his info, and how sorry I am that it happened.  He has at least told me that is it OK, but I know that trust is not easily to establish, and even harder to re-establish when it is broken.  I am resolved to earn it back, and to continue this relationship.  

I also recognize some things about me from this episode.  I really like seeing him online, and really like our chats.  There is something in me that wants to help others, especially in ways that I could have been helped.  I guess I need to figure that one out.  Does anyone out there have any comments?