Sunday, July 1, 2012

Jackson on GRINDr

His first note to me on GRINDR said, "What kind of guy are you looking for?"
"Or one who just loves dick"
Then I looked at his stats...18 years old...distance not shown.  [Let's call him Jack.]
"Where are you?" he asked.
"Right here", I answered.  My tone was as sarcastic as I could make it on a text, but I think it came through.
"I don't know where right here is, it just says your 44 miles away."
"Turn on your gps", I said.
After I told him the city, he said he was moving up here at the end of summer to go to school.
I had found [without looking for him], a high school graduate moving away to college.  
I didn't need this at all.  I have enough trouble associating with 30 and 40 year olds sometimes, please don't send me any 18 year olds to deal with.  No way can I handle it.
But I will talk to anyone, and so we started chatting. 
"I will chat with you anytime, but we will never meet.  OK?"
He was fine with that...he was a HS grad who was pretty sure he is gay although he has fucked a girl or two.

I probably should have told him to get lost, but I can't do that.  I think back to when I was his age, and I know how great it would have been to find someone to talk to, to ask questions of, and get another perspective.  So, we started a friendship.

After a few weeks, we had learned a lot about each other.  Jackson is from a small town in rural Virginia,  is an accomplished musician, in the school vocal department as well as his own band.  He has never done anything with a kissing, groping, beating off...nothing.  But he thinks he is gay.  He has even decided he will probably share that he is 'bisexual' after a year of college, and then go from there.  But, for now, he is very afraid of being outed, but wants to explore guys. 

I told him of my reputation (?) as a great kisser, and he insisted that I show him, and teach him as well.  
"No, that would break my rule.  We won't meet, remember", I reminded him.  My mind was dreaming up excuses to meet him though.  I knew that I would break that rule someday, and it was going to be OK.  He would grow and learn to like guys closer to his age, and then I would just be a grandpa or a weird uncle, but never a lover.  Then, we could meet over a coffee, and either agree to be friends, or he would decide that I was just an old fart not worth it anymore.  In the meantime, I was someone he could talk to without outing himself, and get some answers. 

I was very insistent on safe sex.  I beat it into him, maybe too much.  More than once, he would scold me with "OK, Dad".  But, I didn't mind.  If I was helping, I was good with anything he wanted to say.  

We talked about lots of things.  In his chats, he shared that there was a 23 Y/O NC guy who he wants to meet up with...just to kiss...nothing serious.  I was highly suspicious of that and told him so.  

He got a piercing and was so proud that he had to send me a pic...the first full face pic of him that I had seen.  But he also shared other personal information that would identify him.  I had become a trusted friend.  I must admit that I was captivated by him and cared for him...not in a sexual way...but as a true friend would care for another.  

The biggest news was when he also shared the story of his first kiss...a local guy who he likes...he spent the night, they kissed, sucked dick, and slept together.  He also stuck his dick in the guy later that he officially fucked a guy, I guess.  We had to have the condom discussion again.  

Just last week, I nearly fucked up the whole relationship.  I have become so close to the guy I called FLIP in a previous post, that I shared some of Jackson's story with him.  When Jackson found out, he felt betrayed, and I felt like a real ass.  He was upset about me breaking his confidence, and I was equally upset about losing his trust.  

And that episode is what triggered this post.  Just a few days ago, I had to prepare myself for never seeing Jack again [or even the first time].  But, I think he understands how close I am to FLIP, and why I shared his info, and how sorry I am that it happened.  He has at least told me that is it OK, but I know that trust is not easily to establish, and even harder to re-establish when it is broken.  I am resolved to earn it back, and to continue this relationship.  

I also recognize some things about me from this episode.  I really like seeing him online, and really like our chats.  There is something in me that wants to help others, especially in ways that I could have been helped.  I guess I need to figure that one out.  Does anyone out there have any comments?

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