Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Dialogue From The Couch

I started this blog because I needed an outlet, someone or thing to tell my innermost thoughts and feelings, to be the couch of the psychologist.  I still desperately need that, but that is not what I have used it for.  The blog became an outlet to brag about sexual conquests, not intentionally, but because they are currently such a huge part of my life.  I have decided that I don't really like that part of my life so much.  I still need the sexual interactions, but they have begun to control me, to be the whole me, and not just a part of me.

What jarred me back to this reality were a couple of things that happened.  First, a man who I have felt very close to in the past has rejected me, and I think it is because he discovered this blog.  Not sure, but ....
Second, things haven't turned out well with some of the guys I have written about here.  Nothing is 'bad', but the relationships that I thought, hoped were there, have not been.
Third, I met a guy who was the subject of a recent post, Kel, who I have developed a very close attraction to.  I am not sure he feels the same way as I do, but time will tell.  I also realize that our 'relationship' [if we even have one] is very young.  There are a lot of things to discover about each other that could squash whatever is there.
Fourth, I have also met a number of gay guys who don't fit the mold that I have been trying to adjust to.  They don't jump in bed with everyone with a clean dick.  They don't live to be gay, they live to live, and just happen to be gay.  Being gay does not control them.

A Sexual History
I will admit that I really do get turned on by the sex.  In the past few years, I have been in situations  that I read about, but never really expected to experience personally.  It seems that the sex has a number of a drug addiction...that a guy progresses through until he finally gets to the point where it is more than the soul can handle.  I remember the first time I was sucked and the first time I sucked a dick.  Since then, there are have been far too many guys whose dicks I have experienced or who have sucked me to remember.

Then, when I was in my 20s, I remember the first time I fucked a guy...and the next several time fucking the same guy.  Needless to say, I enjoyed that experience immensely, and, although I really didn't understand why at the time, he did too.

I then rejected that whole life, and took time out to get married, have kids.  When my wife rejected my advances for sex, and beating off in the shower didn't seem to fulfill me, I turned to the internet and then, after divorce, to real, live guys to play with.

Since then, I have experienced ...
3-somes - a highly overrated act.  Titillating at first, but I quickly realized it was simply a way for one guy to take a break while the action continued.  Or am I the only one who can only really enjoy one stimulation at a time?
BDSM-  so many levels.  It means so very many things to different people.  My experience is simply where one guy is tied, gagged, blindfolded [any and/or all] and everyone else there takes turns fucking him or torturing him in some way.  I really didn't understand the joy that the sub got from that, and I am not sure I fully understand it now, but, after seeing the experience, I realize that the sub does really love it.  One of the two subs that I was with is a really nice looking guy in his mid 40s, with a big dick; the other, in his 60s, with an average dick. [both of these experiences are blog story worthy]
Bestiality -  I have never actually seen this, and I really don't want to.  But, I chatted with a guy who was extremely interested in knowing if I had any large animals at my house. I couldn't help but ask more.  He is a very attractive man, but knows way more about how much dogs cum than I really want to know.
Gay Sex Parties  Over my objection [not a very strenuous objection, to be honest] I attended a gay sex party with about a dozen guys participating.  It was very interesting, but I am not seeking them out to find more.
BOTTOMING This is really difficult for me to admit, but I did it.  I have known for several months that I really like having my hole played with.  Yeah, I finally did.  I will blog about it soon.

This picture is so sexy to me.  I imagine that is me with my man.

So the quest continues.  I need to spend more time on my relationships and less time on GRINDR and Adam4Adam.

Goodbye for now, I shall return.

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